The Official Who's Who of the Vynsane Forums Order of Battle

[Uatu the Watcher]

Greetings, humans.

My name is Uatu. I am of the Watchers. Ours is a simple task: we must watch the proceedings throughout the universe, and never interfere. Well, unless Reed Richards is in trouble, and Joe Q says it's okay. Then we interfere a whole hell of a lot.

But mostly, we watch. It's really not as exciting as you may think. Although I got to watch as Scarlet Johansen surprised Emma Watson last Friday by ripping her clothes off and throwing her into a bubble bath where they proceeded to sixty-nine for almost two hours, I could not interfere. I could do nothing. Not even masturbate. You have no idea how badly it hurts to have an erection for that long and not be able to do anything about it. Hell, I had to watch that, too. Somewhere in the Annals of the Watchers, there's an entry: "My penis grew very hard. It remained that way for one hundred seventeen minutes and twelve seconds. I did not cum. About forty-three minutes into said erection, Lockjaw walked by and I watched him laugh at me for twenty-two seconds. He then got bored and buried a bone."

We Watchers do have two other tasks, which are lesser known than the watching for which we are famous. First, we must occasionally write a comic series about alternate universes, which always start strong and invariably get lamer and lamer until we're scraping the bottom of the barrel with "What If... Speedball Had Chocolate Cake Instead of Strawberry Cake on His Twelfth Birthday?" (Funny enough, this seemingly minor change resulted in the most massive upheavals the universe had ever seen.)

And, second, we are the Official Keepers of the Guidebooks of whatever realm we must watch.

For you see, in the multiverse we call vynsane.com, there are many, many severely fucked-up characters, each with a convoluted backstory all his own.

Herein, I shall provide some of the background information most vital to understanding those with whom you share this board.

[Uatu the Watcher]

Profile #1:
JAMAICA BOB

Real Name: Larry, the guy from accounting
Other Aliases: Pencil necked geek.
First Appearance: Tue Feb 06, 2007 5:20 pm
Known Relatives: none
Species: Human, white male
Height: 5'-9"
Weight: 175 lbs.
Eyes: brown
Hair: Brown
Occupation: Accountant

His key weakness is spelling.

Jamiaca Bob is really a white guy from Maine named Larry. He worked for a lobster fishing company. Normally, he stayed in the office. One day, he had to get an expense report signed by one of the boat captains. While he was walking along the docks, he was hit in the head by a sea-weed covered lobster trap. He fell into the water. A group of fishermen pulled him out. Larry sustained a consussion and had amnesia. Since none of the fishermen knew who he was, they called him "Bob" since that is what he was doing when they found him. Still covered in sea-weed, "Bob" went into the bathroom to change into some dry clothes. When he saw himself in the mirror, he mistook the seaweed as dreadlocks. Up to this point in his life, the only person he had ever seen with dreadlocks was a picture of Bob Marley on a VH-1 Documentary. He decided that since he had dreads and the ships' crew was calling him "Bob", he must be Bob Marley from Jamiaca. No one else in Maine had ever heard of Bob Marley, so they went along with the story.

[Uatu the Watcher]

Profile #2:
THE GRIN

Real Name: Classified
Other Aliases: None known
First Appearance: Mon Jan 16, 2006 10:54 am
Known Relatives: The Growl (former pet), The Gap (cousin), Shit Eating Grin (cousin), Grin N Bearit (relationship unknown)
Species: Human, (presumably) white male
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Eyes: Unknown
Hair: Unknown
Occupation: Motherfucker

The Grin fucked your mother last night. She thanked him.

[Ran]

I take it you got bored and left because there are 338 members on this site and you stop at two. Not to mention that one of the two is Jamaica Bob, who really has had no impact or purpose on this site whatsoever.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Whooo! Somebody's calling Uatu out as a lazy BITCH! You gonna stand for that melonhead?

[Uatu the Watcher]

What, you pissed off 'cause your dad gets more pussy than you?
Fuck you!
Suck my fucking dick!

You be ripping off the fucking kids while they be paying their hard-earned money to read about the forumites they want to know about; printing lies, starting controversy!

You wanna antagonize me? Antagonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring, motherfucker! And I'll kick your bitchy little ass!

Punk!

This post is dedicated to all the Uatu the Fucking Watcher fans who stuck with us through all the fucking shit.

And to all those opposed, hmm, well?

[Uatu the Watcher]

Profile #3:
ROGUE II

Real Name: Dewey Mayhew Randy
Other Aliases: That Guy Who Sucks Cock For Fun
First Appearance: Sat Jan 14, 2006 11:46 am
Known Relatives: Bruce McGillicutty (husband; marriage only recognized in Massachusetts and Hawaii)
Species: Human, white male
Height: 4'-7"
Weight: 543 lbs.
Eyes: brown
Hair: none
Occupation: Female impersonator

Rogue II was created in a test tube from the sperm of Freddie Mercury and Elton John when they learned they could not create a love child through their copious buttfucking. He remains the only human to be based upon a combination of two sperm, which the doctors had to beat with a hammer to get to combine.

Rogue II inherited both of his fathers' flaming homosexuality, but not their talent. As a boy, he was often taunted for his habit of wearing Donald Duck costumes (sans pants) to school, and offering the other boys to suck their "lollipop" for a nickel. He would, each week, use his earnings from fellating the other schoolboys to purchase the latest issue of Archie and Jughead.

After finally quitting high school at the age of 23 (by which point he'd made it only to sixth grade), Rogue II attempted to join the army. The recruiting officers were grossed out at the large amount of makeup he was wearing, and the shit-stained dildo he proudly wore on a necklace. They appealed to then-President Bill Clinton to come up with a way they could legally exclude him, and thus the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy was born.

Despondent, Rogue II moved to Las Vegas. After living in a box under an overpass for a few weeks, he finally earned enough money from giving handjobs to purchase tickets to see Ziegfried and Roy. He leaped onto stage in the middle of the performance, ripped off both their trousers in one amazing swipe, and began sucking Roy's cock while pumping his asshole on Ziegfried's. Needless to say, they both enjoyed this quite a bit, and Rogue II was hired to help them buttfuck their third tiger when they were busy with the other two.

Rogue II then discovered the internet, and found a site called the other site. On this site, he met the most loveably obnoxious prequel-hater, NAME REMOVED IN ORDER TO PREVENT THREATENED LEGAL ACTION. He wanted nothing more than to feel NAME REMOVED IN ORDER TO PREVENT THREATENED LEGAL ACTION's throbbing cock filling his mouth with joy. To endear himself to NAME REMOVED IN ORDER TO PREVENT THREATENED LEGAL ACTION, he followed him to vynsane.com, where he remains an active contributor. He soon learned that this was an Earth-2 impostor when the real NAME REMOVED IN ORDER TO PREVENT THREATENED LEGAL ACTION threatened to sue. Rogue II drove down to LA on his day off to track down the real NAME REMOVED IN ORDER TO PREVENT THREATENED LEGAL ACTION, only to find that he was straight and had no interest in an immature homo.

Though saddened by this discovery, Rogue II was happy for many years in his role as Official Tigerfucker, until one fateful day when he saw a man wearing a wedding dress and crying. It turned out that this man, Bruce McGillicutty, had been living as a woman and come to Vegas to marry his boyfriend. When he didn't shave on the scheduled morning of the wedding and arrived at the chapel with a heavy case of five o'clock shadow, his boyfriend (a Mormon who had never seen a woman naked) jilted him at the altar. Rogue II was touched (literally, as Bruce couldn't keep his hands off Rogue II's 2-inch boner) and married Bruce on the spot.

Rogue II moved with Bruce to San Francisco, where the two of them wear assless chaps all the time and occasionally sit on men's cocks for their spending money. When Rogue II left Vegas, his tiger was pissed and attacked Roy.

Rogue II doesn't have AIDS, as AIDS was embarassed to infect him.

Burn, bich.

[Ran]

Um, I think you got me mixed up with either Bizarro The Grin or that guy you see when you look in the mirror.

[anarky]

Wow. Remind me to never piss off a Watcher.

Rogue II, I think that Watchers have the power to alter reality by simply making a statement. Therefore what was posted above must be true, and, if it wasn't true, all of history has been re-written to make it true.

[Ran]

Wow, so you're saying I've been taking it in the ass all along and didn't even know it? Maybe I should change my screenname to Loose Caboose. The Pips could even sing that jingle from the Gieco commerical "On the train to happy town, Woo! Woo!" whenever I make a post.

[anarky]

I'm just saying, Watchers are never wrong. Maybe someone struck a deal with the devil so that their marriage never happened and, as a result, you're a fruitcake. You could be the only person left who somehow remembers the old universe that no longer exists. I know I remember seeing you on the news when you rushed Ziegfried and Roy that time.

[The Grin]

Profile #2:
THE GRIN

Real Name: Classified
Other Aliases: None known
First Appearance: Mon Jan 16, 2006 10:54 am
Known Relatives: The Growl (former pet), The Gap (cousin), Shit Eating Grin (cousin), Grin N Bearit (relationship unknown)
Species: Human, (presumably) white male
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Eyes: Unknown
Hair: Unknown
Occupation: Motherfucker

The Grin fucked your mother last night. She thanked him.

Sounds right to me. And, it looks like Uatu changed history again on you RII. Try not to be so flamboyant, it depresses your mother.

[Ran]

That's it. I've had enough of this crap. I'm leaving.

[anarky]

Just like you left Roy's tiger?

[jdr3]

Wow...Uatu quoted Gun's *n* fuckin' Roses.... that's pretty ballsy

And now this thread is dead.