the vynsane asylum

My new sig elsewhere:

Kris Kristofferson wanted to outdo Johnny Cash, so one Saturday afternoon he drove up to Reno and shot everyone there. And he got back in time for supper.

True story.

He shot that man in Reno, and then didn't bother to watch him die. "Feh. I've seen it already" was his response.

Kris Kristoffersen found the last living dinosaur in the salt flats of Utah. He killed it, and used the body parts to make a banjo, and drum set, and a harmonica. Then he played himself a tune that noone else ever heard. it was the greatest song ever. Then he smashed all the instruments and walked back to Salt Lake City and fucked a waitress who brought him his coffee.

Optimus Prime was based on Kris Kristofferson. He was originally intended to voice the character, but it came down to a choice between sucking Dolly Parton's tits while being blown by Christie Brinkley, or voicing a big red robot. What would you pick?

I heard he DID do the VO for Optimus, THEN he went and got a blowjob from Christie Brinkley. But the recording device couldn't handle the base he had projected and exploded. When they timidly asked him to come back and rerecord it, he killed the sound mixers and then went to their homes and had three ways with their wives and daughters. Then he invented M.A.S.K. the toyline.

Kris was in a Sambo's restaurant eating the best pancakes he had ever tasted, when somebody came up and said "You're the coolest, Chris Kristofferson!" Even though it was spoken, Kris could tell the difference and got so pissed off, he ended up burning down every Sambo's restaurant ever. Then he went back in time and retroactively stopped the Cuban-American War of 1982. You've never heard of it? Thats because Kris single handedly wiped it from existence by beating Castro in a round of golf and giving him a swirlie in the Cuban Presidential Washroom.



Also, whenever Kris goes bowling, he scores a perfect 300 every time. Every time.







Happy 71st Birthday, Kris!!

Eternal Padawan wrote:Also, whenever Kris goes bowling, he scores a perfect 300 every time. Every time.

Not entirely true. Once, the guy keeping score gave him a 301. Knowing that he was being fucked with, Kris broke the guy's neck and then, as he was lying immobile in a pool of his own blood, got the greatest blowjob in recorded history from the dude's wife.

Kris Kristofferson is the only man to have ever gotten a blowjob while driving a Harley.

Kristofferson, also known in Tortuga as "Shaggy McLongcock", was the only man ever to have, while in the throws of passion with several drunken mermaid wenches, sex with the Kraken. This, of course, being of great concern to Davy Jones - the Monkee, not the sea captain, who, being a man of great lust himself, was the only other man to satisfy the giant squid in said manner, after which he informed her that they were too good of mates to sully it with a relationship which drove her into the service of Davy Jones - the sea captain, not the Monkee, who, of course, decided that the best use of her massive form was not for sex, but for breaking apart ships.

However, Shaggy McLongcock was, to the day she died, the only creature on the face of the Earth to give the Kraken multiple orgasms. Afterward she made him a sandwich and got him a beer: An interesting, if nigh-impossible feat for a 30 ton 80 foot long squid what lacks the requisite opposable digits necessary to manipulate bread, meats, and all manner of items in a refrigerator in order to acheive said feat.

She then left him alone so that he might watch "the game", and ironed his pants.

As everyone knows, Kris Kristofferson has a time travelling guitar which he designed and built himself over the course of a five minute break he had between sets during a recording session. Once while using the guitar, he went back in time with every Playboy Playmate from 1977 and somewhere between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, his man juice dripped off their lips and asses and seeded the ground which would eventually come to be called the "Cradle of Civilization. So you see, if not for Kris, there would be no life at all.

Also, in college, his entire team got food poisoning so he played the other team entirely by himself. He threw over 250 yards passes to himself and won the game 44 - 3. The other team managed to score a field goal while Kris was banging their entire cheerleader squad on the 50 yard line. He was going to kill them all for the affront, but instead bought them all waffles and they in turn agreed that he could have their first born daughters when said children turned 20. He wrote a song about the whole thing, played it once to himself then burned down the studio where he wrote and recorded it, along with all the pages and instruments.

Then he flew to Rome and backhanded the Pope. just because.

After they fired their bassist, the rest of Metallica tried out to be in Kris Kristofferson's band. He said they didn't rock very hard and needed haircuts. They cut their hair short, but they still didn't rock by Kris's standards. Kris then proceeded to lay down a riff that rocked so hard, Metallica realized they should be locked up because wern't worthy of being in the same room as him. Then, Metallica went out and hired some guy that used to play bass for Ozzy and tried to record an album in San Quinton.

Kris Kristofferson sets off the metal detectors at airports. That's because his balls are solid steel.

True story.

The only time a security officer tried to stop him when the alarm went off, Kris kicked him in the crotch so hard that it turned his dong inside out and transformed him into a woman. She then stripped naked and sucked him off.