the vynsane asylum

Look, man, we got a lot invested in this movie. Kids will see the movie and when they go to the store to get the toys, we want to make sure there aren't any toys on the shelves not supported by a film. We may or may not get back around to the Classic line.

Will there be a Galactic Hero-styled GI Joe line?

No. Try as we might, we can't figure out a name for such a line. We simply cannot come up with anything Joe-related that uses the word "Hero."

Hasbro, what the fuck is with the black Titanium Rodimus Prime repaint that you're selling at Comic-Con this year? Why would you name it "Menasor"? Menasor looks nothing like Rodimus Prime.

We figured since you guys were dumb enough to fall for the clone trooper dipped in black paint, we thought we'd try every other character with the same scheme.

What's with the orange Rebel blaster? I know it needs to meet safety requirements so little kids don't get shot, but c'mon!

Well, that was an accident. Bob from R&D spilled some melted cheddar cheese over the prototype right before the deadline. Our boss thought it looked spiffy and it was sent to the factory as-is, and now all the kids get orange Rebel Blasters. Now you know the REST of the story.

Will there be another wave of Vintage figures next year?

If by "vintage" you mean "repack" you're in luck!

What's with the black stormtrooper?!

Please. We prefer the term "African-American" Stormtrooper. Or "Equatorial" Stormtrooper.



Hey, I just saw the new "protoform" Transformers from the movie in the stores and they look like ASS. What happened there? Did you guys just give up on quality?

You really have stopped collecting for four years havent you?


When can we expect to see a Yoda with ankle articulation?

Sometime after the dozen or so re-releases of the OTC and ROTS versions.

What's up with that new battlepack of random Clones, a sliver Sandtrooper, and a Darth Vader? Do you really think someone is going to buy that crap?

Because the assholes from RS voted for it thats why and they will buy anything.


When we will actually get a decent sculpt of Luke this year? They all look like someone whit them out

We are doing everything we can to kill the Star Wars line. Poor sculpts, poor distribuiton, re-releasing the same figures over and over, yet it won't die. What we really want to do is make 4" celebrity and politician figures. That is why we slip the likeness of people like Tom Green and John Kerry into our figures. Note the acceptional job we did on making Major Derlin look just like Cliff Clavin from Cheers. Who wants Mark Hamil when you can get a VTAC Bespin Jackie Chan? Hmmm? No one, that's who.


Will there ever be any more vehicles for the Galactic Heros line?

Yes. We are looking at doing a landspeeder, TIE fighter, and possibly a Slave-1, but it might be a smaller open cockpit version.



So Joel Silver is doing a Masters of the Universe movie. That means Mattel will be having MOTU movie figures. Scared?

Scared? Us? We are fairly certain that it will not be as big as a flop as Transformers. It is common knowldege flops of this proportion end up having a cult following. Besides, the fanboys will buy this junk up.

This summer, we will prove that movies based on toys can be just as bad, if not worse, than movies based on video games. Furthermore, Masters of the Universe is for homos. The muscle bound He-Man in his tight shorts? No thanks.

What are you going to do now that Lucas doesn't own part of Hasbro anymore?

Well, Tycho told us that if we bought him out he couldn't be bossy and tell us what figures we could produce, so we did that, and it turns out Tycho had no freakin' clue what he was talking about, because apparently Lucas has just as much say in what we create as he did before we gave him a billion dollars and 23 cents.

hey, hasbro... um... why do you hate me? i just want an armada of tf:classics jets. that's all i'm asking.

Yeah. No. We were going to, but we had a boardroom meeting and decided the most emblematic way to let you know how much we hate you is to fuck you over with the Transformers thing. And also, we'll never make a Spider-Man Marvel Legend again. Only the shitty 4" ones. It's too bad everyone else has to suffer, but our hatred of you overrides all other concerns. Bitch.




So I thought wew were going to see some higher end Movie Alternator type TFs and instead we are getting the shittiest low brow merchandise possible. Explain?

You are going to buy whatever we put out and like it.


Have you ever considered outsourcing the figure design to either the Oompa Loompas or Santa's Elves? I bet they would be a good source for cheap labor and would put out higher quality stuff than you ever could. They also are probably better singers.