the vynsane asylum

Tell her that The Life of Brian is a documentary about Jesus and is required viewing to truly understand Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ (or whatever it was called)

baby Jesus cries when you stick the suppository up his rectum.



poor baby Jesus.

Here's a new one:

Horses are her favorite subject, and her least consistent. One day, she'll say she owns several horses. The next day, she says she used to own horses, but sold them. Another day, she uses horses to rescue stranded hikers (since we all know horses are the most sure-footed animals on sheer cliffs). And she's said she owns the biggest horse in the world, that her friend owns the second biggest, and that she competes with draft horses.

And, again, the niggling little problem: if you have or had the money to own this many horses, what are you doing at a shitty menial job?

Anyway, today's story: she owns twelve horses, and rides competitively. She's been in several accidents while competing when the horse fell on her but didn't hurt her. Only once was she injured in such an accident, years ago, when trying out for the Olympic team.

Sheer fucking comedic gold here.

When you're actually on your way out, you should give her the parting advice "Hey, if you want to use lies to impress folks, keep 'em STRAGHT at least!!!!!" said with the best shit eating grin you can muster

Hand her a book of Aesop's fables and say, here is some new material.

Well, I'm here for a couple of weeks longer than planned. Long story short, some biznatch couldn't watch where she was going and smooshed my truck. I'm still going back and forth between insurance companies, but it looks like it's going to be totalled, since it's 11 years old and worth only about $2500 in perfect shape, and the body damage is likely to cost more than that. So the settlement will probably not even be enough to pay off the other car, and we're going to be down to one, so I'd rather earn a couple more weeks income than dip into savings already.

That in mind, I have new material.

Snigtad's Mom went to visit family (Uncle Rodger?) in the midwest somewhere over Christmas. She told me yesterday afternoon that she saw a PlayStation 2 at a grocery store there for only $125, when they were selling here for $600. "I should've brought one back so I could sell it here."

So, I pointed out that this was a normal price for a PS2, and that it was the PS3 that was so much more.

Any ordinary person in her shoes would just think, "Okay, I'm an older woman with no young kids. I mixed up the PS2 and PS3."

But, nooooo. Mrs Flornbi cannot be outdone. So she immediately says, "Oh, okay. The PlayStation 3's that they had were $150."

At this point, I gave up. "Yeah, if there was a PlayStation 3 for $150, you probably should've bought it."

Also, today, she overheard me discussing The Last Samurai with another co-worker. It's apparently one of her favorite movies, because she finds it hilarious that samurai warriors were so incredibly incompetent and were good for nothing but dying. No joke, she thinks it's a funny movie about stupid foreigners dying because of their backward nature. The point of the film must have escaped her entirely. I suppose I should've asked how they survived for almost a thousand years if they were just cannon fodder, since she knows everything.

Well, I won't bitch right now about how the new website launches on Monday, and we just found out today that IT contracted it out to an outside programmer, and has no idea how to make minor corrections that need to be made. (It's some pretty advanced shit, so I don't even know.)

What I will tell you now: Out of the blue, Mrs Flornbi says, "Hey, did you hear about Bender?"

And I'm wondering if this is some crazy Futurama shizzy that I'm not aware of.

"Bender?"

"You know, the famous soccer player. He's going to be playing for the LA Galaxy!"

I guess she mixed it up based on the movie Bend It Like Beckham.

But, dude, if you obviously don't know shit, keep your trap shut about it. Man....

What a fuckin moron. Why hasnt anyone(especially her momma) smothered her with a pillow?

Brian Michael Bender? The famous cartoonist?


You should make up a name. A completely ficticious "famous" person and then have her "overhear" you telling someone how they just died of AIDS or something and act like its a huge deal because this person changed the face of..whatever. And then see if she ever read their book/ saw their movie/etc. I'm sure she'll have a story how she met that person in public or something. You could even mock up a quick news article to sell it.

That would be priceless.

Here's the latest:

I don't know why it is that I didn't notice until the last few days, but Snigtad's mom is rather hot. There's something about overweight 60-ish women that just really turns me on. The wrinkles and fat just form so many little hidey-holes where you can stick your dick.

It started on Friday, when she was lifting some stuff, and she bent over, and I could see the outline of her granny panties through her support hose. I had to run into the bathroom because I popped the most raging hard-on ever.

I've had erotic dreams about her all weekend, where she takes out her false teeth and gums my entire body. And when I came in this morning, one look at the wart on her nose and I just about splooged in my pants.

I've been trying to broach the subject, but I'm hoping to get her in the backseat of my car on Friday, so I can make good use of all her decades of sexual experience.

If I luck out, I'll take lots of photos of her naked wrinkles flopping all over the place to post here.

Please don't. I have to work with the bitch. I don't want such thoughts invading my mind.

Why don't you just tell her straight up that you don't believe her next time she pulls that shit, then walk away. Not mean or anything, just matter-of-factish.... I'd love to hear what she does.

Well, I have quite a tale to tell, but it may have to wait until tonight or tomorrow.

It's rather... odd.

I'm just way behind on reporting the amazing level of Snigtaderry going on with an ongoing drama, but must report one head-slappingly stupid bit:

Remember a while back, I mentioned I had to tell this lady that New Mexico was a state in the US, not a country?

Despite a supposed history of national-level sales management experience?

I had to explain it again on Wednesday.

And on Friday.

And again, just now.

Being ignorant of that is bad enough. Having to be constantly reminded of so simple a fact is astounding.

Also, I have to continually tell her that there are two "X"es in the upper corner of a window. One closes the file you're looking at, the other the entire program.

Again, ignorance is bad, but when it just... doesn't... sink... in, it's funny.

Man. I don't miss the job, but I miss the stories. I've found out that Sniggy's mom is no longer there, but haven't been able to find out when this happened or how.

However, in going over the stupidity herein, I realized something: I never posted the final Snigtad's mom story! And it is the Snigtad's mom story to end all Snigtad's mom stories! It's pretty freaking involved, and was still going on when I left. I think I got out of that hellhole and wanted to go a few days without thinking of the stupidity, and forgot all about sharing it.

I don't want to be typing it up when my wife gets home. (I mentioned she's kinda prudish, and might not appreciate this site.) However, I'm going to try to bring it up with her in conversation tonight just to go over it and make sure I'm not leaving out any major details. (I've been cleaning up papers from last year, so I can come up with a reason to bring it up.) That way, I don't have to keep hopping in and saying, "Oh, I forgot, this also happened before this."

I'll write it up for y'all tomorrow afternoon. (I've got to go into the next town to see a client tomorrow morning.) In the meantime, Cappy, feel free to tell the tales of that Vader dude.

KH, did I ever tell the Texas story here? I don't see it, so I don't think I did. I owe you that. The rest of you: I'll start a new thread for it in the next day or so. It may be the foulest thing you ever see. Well, the foulest thing you ever see with the exception of that video you sick fucks keep talking about.