the vynsane asylum

The Spider-Clone fiasco sucked balls.

That's in case any of us forgot. I was reminded when the godawful 1990s Spider-Man series was on this morning, and (bored of switching channels) I left it there for the remaining 15 minutes of the ep.

After laughing my ass off over the huge number of guest stars in each episode (within two minutes, we'd seen Spidey, Venom, Carnage, Lizard, Mordo, Dormammu, Iron Man, and Madame Web), I tried to explain to my wife what a ridiculous concept Madame Web was. (She always asks during such things exactly how close they are to the movies and the original comics.) That got me into Ben Reilly and Kaine and all that bullshit.

Saddest thing of the whole fucking mess: Ben went out like a bitch. A guy who realized years ago he was a clone of Spider-Man and re-enters the picture? That could've been great. Instead, it led to the fucking worst story this side of X-Cutioner's Song.

It sucked, and I didn't even read the brunt of it.

The funny thing is, it lasted for like two years and I can't recall hardly anything about it. You have to realize Spidey had four titles at the time, so thats ALOT of comics. Almost 50 issues devoted to it. It was supposed to be like a limited thing, but it kept snowballing.

I'm pretty sure it's the reason Tom DeFalco doesn't work in the industry any longer....

( oh wait, he writes that Spider-Girl piece of shit that nobody ever buys)

It's the reason DeFalco is no longer EIC at Marvel....

Yeah, how the hell is it that Spider-Girl is still in print? All these suckass future universes Marvel has ever come up with BLOW! Except for the Days of Future Past/Present/Future/Whatever Else. And Doom and Ravage 2099. But only the Stan Lee issues of Ravage.

Speaking of which, I saw a <b>new</b> Punisher 2099 at the comic shop a few weeks ago. Will they never learn?

*Best Watto Voice* "NO, THEY WON'T-UH!*

X-Force (Vol.2) #1 illustrated that clearly enough.

Marvel's been doing these blitz "Month" things lately.

One month it was 2099 where they shot out a load of 2099 one shots.

Then it was What if...?

Right now it's Age of Apocalypse 10th anniversary.

That's a 10th anniversary worth celebrating. . . by burning a lot of crap comics!

AOA was actually the storyline that got me back into the hobby - was that really 10 years ago??????? I'm old. There was actually some good memorable shit in there, Wolvie's hand chopped off but not the claws being a real highlight. That was also right in the middle of Generation X starting up - it was an awesome book for the first couple of years. Far superior to Onslaught.

As always, no matter how remote my influence is on a major cross-over event, something DRASTICALLY alters my life. So let's make a list of all the ways my life has gone down the tubes since Action On-Line tried to take over vynsane.com:

1. Mary Jane gains super-powers, only to reveal self to be a clone of the Green Goblin

1. Aunt May becomes Venom and tries to eat my brains, then serve them to me in her cookies

1. I got five new costumes

1. I became a monkey for a little bit

That's all I can remember for the time-being. Fill me in on the stuff I can't remember, please. Or maybe don't - I don't know if I want to know what happened to me.

You had a torrid affair with Mysterio, remember?

Spider-man wrote:

1. Mary Jane gains super-powers, only to reveal self to be a clone of the Green Goblin

Sounds like you fucked a guy.

Spider-man wrote:

1. Aunt May becomes Venom and tries to eat my brains, then serve them to me in her cookies

Hasn't she been doing that since 1963?

Spider-man wrote:

1. I got five new costumes

Sounds about par for the course.

Spider-man wrote:

1. I became a monkey for a little bit

Awesome! That totally makes up for the 3 other things.

Stop your whining pussy.

yOU DID GET A HAPPY SURPRISE WHEN YOU DISCOVERED YOUR REAL FATHER WAS STILL ALIVE.

oF COURSE, THE CIRCUMSTANCES MAY HAVE BEEN DISCONCERTING, AS YOU WALKED IN ON HIM GETTING DIDDLED BY bIZZARO tHE gRIP AND i.

I forgot earlier: Stegron went back in time and killed Freddie Mercury as an infant, thus creating a dystopian world that had never known the musical stylings of Queen. For some reason, this meant that the world was ruled by the bloodthirsty Ostrich Riders of Schenectady. In this world, you were a renowned porn star and had to team with Sleepwalker, Mr T, and Tony Danza to restore the world to its former state.

Oh, and I wouldn't eat the spaghetti in the fridge if I were you.

anarky wrote: For some reason, this meant that the world was ruled by the bloodthirsty Ostrich Riders of Schenectady.

They crossed-over to Joust? Is it part of some sort of early 80s arcade universe?

Wow, I hadn't even caught that this storyline was a ripoff. I thought Liefeld had finally had an original idea.

Oh, and probably a minor detail, but I'll mention it anyway: you inadvertently set off a chain of events that resulted in the deaths of the Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, Ghost Rider, Punisher, Dr Strange, Luke Cage, ROM Spaceknight, Motormouth, NFL Superpro, Dazzler, Dom Deluise, and all the X-Men except for Forge. You see, Ben Reilly came back from the grave, and you proposed the question to the Illuminati: would it be considered to be gay and/or cheating on your wife if you were to have sex with a clone of yourself? This set hero against hero, and the resulting chaos destroyed the very fabric of the Marvel Universe, and culminated in a buyout by Archie Comics.

Not to worry, though. The slain heroes were reborn in Liefeld's Awesome Universe, where they were promptly sued for copyright infringement by the members of Youngblood.