How long until we see inappropriate Bible movies?

[anarky]

Seriously, hear me out, though I'm probably going to hell for thinking about this.

We're finally getting the slew of overly-graphic Bible movies that I figured would come out after The Passion of the Christ. The Nativity came out in December, and I saw a DVD of a movie based on the book of Esther today. (That sounds like wholesome family viewing. "I'll save my people by screwing the king of Babylon!")

So when do we get, say, Song of Solomon, starring Ron Jeremy as Solomon, and Salma Hayek as his wife? Just the two of them going at it like bunnies for two hours, reciting the text of the book. Maybe Rob Zombie can provide the music.

Or a film about the bloody subjugation of Canaan, written by Frank Miller and directed by Tarantino?

How long, I ask?

[mabudon]

MAN I think we got maybe a year to wait

there was a HILARIOUS made-for-tv "jesus" film a few years ago, I laughed until I was in tears at the way it was done- when Jesus is on the cross and says that "forgive them, father, they know not what they are doing" they had the Pontius Pilate character right there, and he sneered Evilly "oh YES we DO, messiah" which I thought was pretty fucking hilarious, "spicing up" the story, and then when he "died" or whatever, it was like the city being destroyed in Clash of the Titans, HUGE tidal waves, columns of fire ruining villages and shit, ruinous lightning strikes, you name it, it was right over the top


I think a hip-hop bible film would be pretty fuckin sweet, kinda like "hair" only maybe called "Grillz"

And there's already PLENTY of rapture/armageddon films- I saw one a few months ago with Howie fucking Mandel in it along with Gary Busey and a few other has-beens whom I can't remember (not calling Busey a has been either, but there were some funny casting choices)

I actually really enjoy the seriousness with which thme armageddon films are done- it's such a lurid, preachy fantasy but the actors give it all they've got, and the odd choice of washed-up types makes them even more hokey somehows

[SweetRain]

Was the movie called, "One Night With The King"?

I wouldn't call the movies that you mentioned inappropriate. The people in the Bible were..well human. I'd actually like to see a movie based on the Song of Solomon..though not quite how you've described. It's a very sensual book and I can't think of any other piece of literature that even comes close to it.

I don't think that you were doing this...but I do wonder why people jump all over a movie that's based on Scripture for being violent or sexual or graphic when a good 85 % or more of movies today are filled to the brim with graphic sexual content and very over the top violence. Double standards,perhaps?

[Negative Boy]

There is nothing anywhere in the bible that suggests the sort of malfeasancy you are describing. You are clearly the type of person that looks for the worst in anything, even something as wholesome as the holy bible. Melbert Gibson didn't even take the story of the Passion from the Bible. It's from a play or some such that was written in France hundreds of years later, around the time of the inquisition or something. And I don't understand how you could think the Nativity was some kind of sexcapade? It was a heartwarming, inspirational tale of the birth of the Baby Jesus. How dare you try to sully the Good Book by turning it into a tawdry sex romp full of killing and deviance. I hate everything you stand for, Anarky.

[mabudon]

Sweetrain- I ain't religious in the least, so I only criticise stuff for it's own flaws, I (and I imagine Anarky) are NOT in any way slamming the source material, it's more what folks do with pretty much ANY source material these days

I keep expecting a hardcore Fat Albert with lots of gang violence and swearing and Bling Bling, and I would rail on that not because I have anything against violence or ANYHTHING, but because Fat Albert was a light moral comedy and to run it "ghetto" would be almost insulting...

So thinking about takin the bible (which is a bit more "iconic" than say, scooby doo or Gomer Pyle) and doing it up all "hardcore" is just plain nuts- at the same time, the odds of such a thing NOT happening are very slim...

and I thought "one night with the king" was about Elvis??? I don't know, but whatever it was called it was hilarious- again, not being religious, I personally find the notion of translating the supposed core of ones belief system into a series of BlockBusters to be somewhat sacreligious- Graven Images and False Idols come to mind instantly, you know??

But no matter what, with the current "Rise of Christianity" on the big scren, it will not be too long before these MEGA inappropriate films are made and escape into the public forum..



AHH just got a thought flash- maybe a kickboxer-style film about Jesus in the "missing times"??? I have a feeling that the "unacounted for" time in the Jesus timeline could be exploited to a pretty impressive degree.... if done right, there could be a scene where Jesus' name gets taken in vian for the first time and whoever does it gets his ASS kicked, and Jesus stands over him and says some witty line about "I think we have a new commandment"

[anarky]

I didn't mean to cause offense by any means. Mabs more or less nailed it on the head, though I'd add that the current batch of Bible films seem to take more liberties with the material and try to make them more violent.

Like The Nativity. Haven't seen it, but I don't recall any verses that said, "And, lo, the ass upon which Mary didst ride did verily fall into the river, and much action did ensue as Joseph did saveth yon ass, accompanied by rousing score."

Yeah, it's probably safe to assume that their trip was at least as rough as any other trip in those days--rougher, in fact, with Mary being pregnant. But when New Line advertised heavily in churches (which I find to be a rather underhanded scheme), they should strive for scriptural accuracy. Now there are a lot of people who claim to be Christian, and I think believe they are, but have never read a word of the Bible beyond what they were made to in Sunday school, who are spoon-fed everything they believe, who will now believe that the scene with the drowning donkey must appear somewhere in John.

Similar thing with Passion of the Christ. I've not seen it. (Gasp!) I've no desire to pay to see it, but will be sure to when it's on cable and I have time. Why? Two reasons. First, something really bugs me about the whole "This movie is designed to cement people's faith. Here, have an authentic replica nail for only $19.99, and don't forget to buy the 10-pack of the movie to show at Sunday school while you play the four different 'Music Inspired by the Passion of the Christ' albums." Religion gets mixed far too much with commercialism and politics in the modern world, and it doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to feed a penny to this juggernaut.

Second, well, yeah, it is the violence. And for a couple of reasons here. I don't think it's appropriate for younger viewers. My daughter's not old enough to care one way or the other, but when she's seven, she's not watching A Nightmare on Elm Street, Robocop, Saving Private Ryan, Sin City--movies I really like, and would like her to see at some point, but that she wouldn't be mature enough to see at that point. An equally violent film doesn't become suddenly okay to watch because it's about Jesus. And so many people think it does. The gyst of public thinking is that a religiously-inspired film is automatically safe, which probably needs to change more than the films themselves. I was kidding before, but I wouldn't want a kid to watch a movie based on Song of Solomon--it'd be a man and a woman praising each other's loins and breasts for two hours.

The kicker for me about the violence isn't even that, though. It's that so many people told me, "You have to see this movie! You have to see to it to know what Jesus went through for you." Uh, no, I don't. While it's good, I suppose, that a movie by a crazy Australian guy can help you in your own spiritual journey ("you" referring to the people who told me that, not actually the second person), how weak was your faith before? "This movie has the potential to save so many people!" If the Bible isn't enough for you, and you need a modern movie to actually make things click, especially a modern movie that, from what I understand, strips what should be the central message of hope and resurrection to a mere few seconds, I'm going to question your mental stability.

And, seriously, for the people who couldn't figure out what a crucifixion involved... It doesn't go into painstaking detail about what angle Jesus' blood splattered at, but the Bible clearly says he was stripped, beaten within an inch of his life, starved, forced to carry a damn heavy cross through town while wearing spikes on his head (well, until he wasn't capable anymore and someone else stepped in), then to hang said cross and be nailed to it for several hours while people threw stuff at you and eventually stuck a spear all the way through his belly. I mean, did something in there imply it was a normal, happy day for Jesus until he quietly died in front of many sad onlookers? It was such a crappy few days that he knew exactly what was coming and prayed as hard as he could to get out of the obligation. Not even Satan could successfully tempt him, so this was some really heavy stuff we're talking about here.

[Starscream]

My dear, pathetic fleshlings. When will you learn? Hollywood is too busy making inappropriate robot movies and calling them "Transformers" movies to worry about such things as your primitive mythology.

I mean, have you seen that chunk of scrap metal they dared to call Starscream? Disgraceful. Simply disgraceful. If I ever see Michael Bay in a dark alley, well, let's just say that, for his sake, he'd better hope he never sees me in a dark alley and leave it at that, 'kay?

[Snigtad Flornbi]

I saw one a bout Bible peopel fuckin each other, it is a show on H.BO.

[anarky]

I thought about making a new thread, but decided to resurrect this one.

I think there should be religious porno.

Seriously.

It should either be normal pornos with one man and one woman, and have all sorts of disclaimers that the couple in the movie are married and this video is to be used by responsible married couples only.

Or, it should be movies that show people do all sorts of sex acts, probably in biblical times, and then Jesus shows up and redeems them, and it starts playing some Amy Grant music, and it ends on a supposedly uplifting theme of redemption. Maybe it could actually show all the stuff that characters in the Bible did, like maybe what the adulteress did to get stoned.

[Ran]

go watch one of those "Better Sex" videos. That's about as clean as sex can get.

[Auxiliary]

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[Diabolical]

This one is better:


Besides, I want to see a movie where Jesus plays hockey on sandal skates.