Former Marvel Editor-In-Chief Found Dead!
Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 6:07 pm
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Tom DeFalco, the former editor-in-chief of Marvel Comics, was found dead in an alley in Hoboken, NJ, covered in his own filth and several gallons of goat semen.
Though police suspect his death was the result of natural causes, they are not yet willing to rule out foul play.
"Mr DeFalco lived the last fifteen years of his life in fear," said a police spokesman, who in a bizarre coincidence is named Ben Grimm. "He was constantly being threatened by X-Men fans. It is quite conceivable that he was ballkicked to death."
DeFalco began his career as a seemingly ordinary writer at Marvel, making a name for himself by penning several years worth of acclaimed tales for Marvel Two-In-One Starring the Thing. However, following a shady blockade aimed at upstart rival Dark Horse Comics, DeFalco ousted then editor-in-chief Jim Shooter and took control of the company. Through his mastery of the Dark Side of the Force, DeFalco cemented his position and instituted the controversial "Issue #66," which eliminated fan favorite Chris Claremont in favor of the skateboarding vigilante Night Thrasher.
He continued to write for comics, turning in passable but not particularly noteworthy yarns for Thor and his temporary stand-in, Thunderstrike. However, his influence was primarily felt in his role as the company's guiding force. Among his most infamous accomplishments were the hiring of Rob Liefeld, NFL Superpro, the cancellation of GIJoe and The Transformers, the Spider-Clone fiasco, a bazillion different ludicrous future timelines, and the unspeakably evil madness that was the die-cut holo-foil variant cover with exclusive trading card.
As his madness increased, six of the company's most popular artists (and Rob Liefeld) left to form the appropriately-named Image Comics, as it was short on everything but Image. I only mention that because at one point, people gave a damn.
Finally, as his attention turned fully to writing a new book he called Spider-Girl, which the only comic that has lasted more than twelve issues but that no one has ever read even a page of, Joe Quesada, the dude who created Azrael for DC comics and had absolutely no writing or editorial experience whatsoever, inexplicably wrested the position of editor-in-chief from DeFalco. Disgraced, and now living in a van down by the river, DeFalco was only allowed to continue writing Spider-Girl, which, due to a bizarre error in accounting, remains inexplicably in print to the present day.
"We still publish that shit?" said Quesada when asked for his thoughts on his predecessor. "Diane, get me accounting on line one, stat!"
DeFalco was found by a disturbed homeless man in a tattered three-piece suit. Police arrested him after he refused to give any information aside from his fervent belief that Archer & Armstrong was "the best funny book ever made." However, they do not believe he had any involvement in DeFalco's death. He was released after he offered 40,000 copies of Warriors of Plasm #3 for bail, and a judge ruled that this was acceptable as it would alleviate the city government's need to purchase toilet paper for two years.
DeFalco's age was unknown at the time this article was written, but he is assumed to have been an old fart.
Police are also investigating a possibly-related amateur drawing found on the door to DeFalco's van down by the river. The drawing is obviously by a half-blind child and depicts what appears to be Marvel superhero Cable with thunder-thighs and teeny weeny little pointy toes. Opinions differ whether the squiggly lines all over his face and arms are meant to enhance the crude image, or if the artist was justifiably embarassed by the pathetic quality of his work and meant to cross it out. The character is saying, "Ha ha gotch you last boyee!" Anyone with any information is asked to post it all over the internet.