the vynsane asylum

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Senator Hillary Clinton has been having a torrid affair with a perpetually smiling mystery man, as well as a European fop of indeterminate nationality, ever since her daughter Hillary was born, Senator Barack Obama charged on Monday.

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"We all know about Bill Clinton's infidelity," stated Obama in a speech at a bus station in Intercourse, PA. "However, my leading opponent has been having her own problems keeping her poontang in the family for far longer!" Obama then produced photos of Clinton with her face in the pantsless crotch of a smiling man who looked vaguely reminiscent of Kit Fisto... were Fisto a human, and not a funky looking alien. Aside from the grin and a fedora with the word "Pimpin'," the man was unidentifiable.

Clinton fell sharply in polls following the accusation, until her husband--I mean, campaign--responded to reporters on his morning jog to McDonald's: "We have photographic evidence that Senator Obama is not only cheating on his wife, but totally gay!" He then showed photos of Obama being double-teamed by a scrawny white guy who looked like Howard Dean and what appeared to be a dude disguised as a Mexican soldier from a Zorro movie.

"Michelle approves of my relationship with my Bizarro buddies," said Obama in response. "I can assure you, the Mexican one never goes in the backdoor. Only our mutual friend. Because, appearances to the contrary, he has a big, black dick, and you know the saying about never going back."

Senator Edwards responded to the back-and-forth by saying, "Ah say, that is, Ah say, how many chillen is this heah gonna put through that there element'ry school? Ah declare, this heah feuding's gots to stop, 'specially since none of them done did slapped the other in the face with a white glove, y'all." At least that's what we think he said. Our southern bureau reporter was at a grits cookoff in Montgomery and unavailable to translate.