Vynsane.com moderator near death, police say!

[Newsbot]

Vynsane.com moderator and superhero Batman is in critical condition in Gotham Memorial Hospital following an encounter with an enemy, police reported Monday.

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The beloved protector of Gotham City and scourge of spambots everywhere was found unconscious earlier in the day in Crime Alley suffering severe head trauma from multiple blows to the head. Based upon the injuries, it is believed he had fallen in battle against Bane, Solomon Grundy, Black Mask, or Chandel's brother Harry.

"Then again, the bruises covering his entire body were purple, so we're not ready to rule out Louie the Lilac," police commissioner James Gordon said at a press conference Monday evening. "That rat has had it in for Batman ever since the entire 'purple forums' stunt he tried in his alter ego of Perpantor."

Batman's exact condition is unknown, but Dr. Kirk Langstrom, who performed surgery on Batman, stated under the condition of anonymity that Batman would most likely survive, though it's tough to know what the long-term effects of the head trauma will be. Langstrom is a geneticist with no medical experience whatsoever, but he likes to do some really weird stuff involving bats that Wayne Enterprises has taken great pains to keep secret, and is possibly linked to the mysterious Man-Bat monster who occasionally terrorizes the city. However, Langstrom was visiting a friend in the hospital at the time, and was the first person police found who had a doctorate in any field.

Batman's medical care is being paid for by billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne. Wayne is personally unavailable for comment at the moment, and his spokesman, Alfred Pennyworth, said he was in the Ozarks, or the Himalayas, whichever is further and most unreachable by cell phone.

Wayne's young ward, Dick Grayson, said of Batman, "Holy massive head trauma, Newsbot! I don't know Robin, but, if I did, I'd bet he'd wish Batman a speedy recovery!"

This reporter, and everyone else except that asshole no-talent Grant Morrison, likewise wishes Batman a full and speedy recovery. Hopefully none of the possible side effects that Langstrom mentioned will manifest themselves. (Cue spooky music.)

[Robin]

Holy massive head trauma, Newsbot!

[anarky]

Oh my. I hope Batman is okay.

I was going to make a snide comment and post some inappropriate image, but a Google search for "gay Batman," even with SafeSearch on, yielded results that frightened me. I think perhaps the Scarecrow has taken over Google.